I just told this girl who bought a pregnancy test "good luck"
You better get here soon. I'm about to spend $30 on a cactus online
she must of just birthed a child cause her labia touched the floor
we ran out of wine so you tried to make some by throwing grapes and nail polish remover in a blender.
wanna hang out tonight and remember it?
No, I'm not keeping her! I can't become an adulterer and a dog stealer in the same 24 hours...
lets just say that i have already today: gotten drunk, got in a fight, got stranded an hour away from home, found a ride, sobered up, and slept. woken back up, and here i am. its been a long day. Day drinking is bad for friendships.
Sometime between a drunk guy asking me if I'm a Beach person or a lake person WHILE HIS HAND WAS IN HIS FUCKING PANTS or breaking up a lady fight over peewee football league I started to reevaluate my life and self
I think it says something about my life when I start picking up girls while im in rehab. And I don't think it's good.
I woke up while eating peanut butter from a jar. I don't think I should be social today.
Just bumped into my ex. Blowing a dude in the ladies' room at Disney World. I guess it really was her not me.
My mom just came upstairs handed me an Adderall and asked if I could help her wash the ceilings
I think I just shit out all my problems.
So anyways, we returned the toilet paper and decided to use the money for taco bell and slurpees instead...
I feel like my toilet water looks different when outsiders use my bathroom...
Are you high right now?
HOW DID YOU KNOW!
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