was i over the top when i said that i wished they made v-neck pants to her?
All I know is it had something to do with a plunger and tuna salad. I'm done. I'm quitting my job.
im the poster child for why you shouldnt play beer pong with wine.
Remind me to tell you the "if you give a mouse a special brownie" story when you get back
my cup is half full, half full of rum.
I think my sister is getting tired of me breaking into her house so I can sleep with random girls when shes not there
I was talking to a guy at my work, and mid-sentence he started vomiting violently for about five minutes, then he said, " great dope" and carried on like nothing had happened.
I told him I'd go cook him breakfast, but ended up passing out on the kitchen floor in the fetal position spooning the dog
I'm having salsa con queso and a leftover half-drank/flat red bull for breakfast. Nothing you propose doing today would be a downgrade.
Do you think I'm short enough to dress up in a ghost costume and go trick or treating and have people believe that I'm actually a child?
Yea it's also hard to turn down a man asking you out with a chicken sandwich.
One public bathroom does not equal a wedding vow
First time a guy goes down on me and his dog had its head on my knee the whole time. I swear it was judging me.
This bitch goes out driving during the nor'easter to get her ass eaten.. that’s dedication
I duct taped a bottle of vodka to the back of your closet while you were sleeping in case of emergencies. Go rip it off, it's going to be a long night.
Randomize
