I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
i fucked some guy last night. i called him nick jonas by mistake. i'm 24.
Tell me the dirtiest joke you know
Sarah Palin
god, I love you
I walk in to see her roommate half naked on their stripper pole. I knew I was home.
Yeah like at least with a penis what you see is what you get with a vagina there can always be a surprise inside
On my way home right now. I miss you. let's cuddle. whiskey.
Got hereat 8. Had 6 beers 2 shots and a game of diZZY BATOS
officially hit rock bottom.. been yelling through the vent in my room to my little brother trying to convince him to get me water for the past two hours. i fear feeling the full effect of my hangover if i stand.
He tried to tell me that he could handle his liquor better than "all the bitches in this town." AS HE THREW UP. ALL. OVER.
SHE BROUGHT HER PARROT TO THE PARTY. IT SQUAWKS EVERY TIME SOMEONE VOMITS LIKE 'PARTY FOUL SQUAWKKKKKK'
Where the condoms are as broken as my dreams
Nothing ruins an orgasm faster than accidentally calling out his boss's name
And somehow i feel like your expectations will turn out to be illegal in some way.
my roommates are pretty pissed at me. they sent me out for ice and i came back with a kitten.
Thank god you don't know my other address I'm safe for now
Awww you know you would like it if I found u
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