Ive had to apologize to every girl i know today because of you
Wait, we're on the hunt for addys and explosives. They're both in this house somewhere.
i am about to cut my stepbrother's hair into a mohawk with the same clippers i use to trim my pubes. god is so on my side today.
At the miami airport. Don't know if it's all the tequila I drank in cozumel or the 5 year olds french accent but I might puke.
she broke up with me and one of her excuses was constant soreness... should I be sad or proud?
We're past the whole "Did she just try to finger my ass?" Stage. Now it's encouraged.
No, its ok. Im playing strip pretty pretty princess im currently dueling for the crown
I was literally convinced that the turkey wrap i was eating was keeping me alive. And i couldnt have been happier. That high.
No, I know her type. Tall, lanky, uses teeth when giving head, and runs like a giraffe. Don't do it man..
When this bachelor party is over and your life is in ruins, you have my permission to die.
I ran into my parents house and stole a bottle of vodka last night...Apparently left them a note that read "DRUNK. TOOK VODKA. BRING MORE."
I went to the obgyn with chipped nail polish.. Somewhere Beyonce was looking down, shaking her head, whispering "Not fierce."
SOOOOOO I just attempted to go to the gym, hungover. Ended up throwing up in the bathroom. I hope people think I'm just working out really hard
she told me id be a great addition to their lesbian community and shes giving me sex eyes from across the room. come get me NOW
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
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