I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
Do I have a sign around my neck that says "SWM desperately seeking ultra-plus-size woman that likes everything I do"? I swear they're organized
No, but you do have a sign around your neck that says "Free cupcakes."
The biggest loser is alot easier to jack off to at the end of the season
We're learning about the color wheel. Hello college.
Matt you can be anything you want to be. Including the awesome guy that brings pizza to a bunch of stoned and sorta drunk kids.
He rolled up to the party in an ice cream truck. He was definitely my first priority
There's a woman at the bar holding a baby with one arm and doing shots of GM with the other. The baby is crying. I have lost faith in humanity.
Just remember, Dont make worse choices than american flag pants to your own birthday party
Oh hell no my vagina is on that screenshot
Bored of what? I stayed up all night researching sex toys because I'm excited to do things with you that I haven't done in 29 years of having a body.
Why does fireball set life on fire? Your insides, your head, your behavior...
I can't hookup with a guy in my car because it smells like Taco Bell..
"Plot twist... I'm straight."
He fucks strippers and doesn’t have a life plan. Of course I’m going to regret this
Idk I just think that seeing that man's Twitter always resulting in me looking for the whiskey is a bad sign
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