Ridin mah bike see you on the moon
woke up this morning with pubes superglued to my face, not my pubes
You went from loaded cattleman, to football player, to better football player, to art major from Missouri. Your future was looking so good for a while.
Where the royal fuck are you??
The depths of vodka hell.
He stumbled out of the bar bathroom at 3:30 am with his jeans unzipped and his dick hanging out - it was the physical manifestation of "blackout with your cock out"
Also. This Ativan makes me feel fearless. I think we need an exciting new hobby for when we take it. How do you feel about ghost hunting?
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
I feel like there is something fundamentally wrong with me as a woman. My initial text to you was "What's up, fuck bucket?"
I don't know bro. If a girl makes you cum hard enough that you pull a back muscle, she might be the perfect one to call for a massage on said muscle.
Never go with a hippy to a second location. I fucking hate Xanax.
I'm abstinent now
Oh, is this one of the times when you're serious?
Then we woke up and they shouted "Emergency Vodka!!" and that's how we got redrunk.
I'll take "things you shouldn't say to a guy you just met in a bar" for 100!
I JUST WANT TO SIT IN MY UNDERWEAR AND WATCH THE BRAVES GAME AND NOT BE CONSTRAINED BY MY ED SHEERAN SHORTS
Good Morning! You are sterile right?
Randomize
