Job is the problem. Drinking, the solution.
I wish I had a dollar for every time I've slept off a late night I dont want to remember in my recliner.
I just speedwalked down the broken metro escalator while high. Basically all my worst fears combined
i literally would have sex with every single person on this girls wall, but not her
tagging him in all 73 close-ups of your cleavage might have been a little obvious.
Doing "bucket stands" with buckets of margarita. Don't tell me it's not a good idea.
I can't. He's too cute and my tongue is too long.
All his texts have the signature of a date with a smile. I asked him what it means. IT'S THE DAY HE QUIT DOING DRUGS
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
He came in my eye, I lost my earring and all of his friends saw me topless. Happy New Year to you as well.
And the best part is I don't remember putting the condom in my pocket! Angels officially exist
how are things with the new girl?
good, we have nothing in common but she likes being choked
Remind me not to get naked underneath a tree I'm allergic to again.
Russell brand is gross. Everytime I see him I just wanna give him a bath. He's like a used condom.
Drunk Karaoke resulted in only 8 injuries this time, so there is some improvement.
Randomize
