You were pissed we didn't change the movie to Eurotrip so you kept singing "Scotty Doesn't Know" over and over until you passed out.
I stumbled into my living room at 4 a.m. to find him hurling my laptop across the room and his pants around his ankles. Clearly his night didn't go as planned.
this morning your mother said to me "sorry to have to meet you like this, in my sons bed" later she said "you never know whos gonna be in there. its scary sometimes"
I have the money I owe you for auctioning off your black thongs. Best 30 bucks ever spent
please stop judging me for buying a handle of soco on a thursday at 10am. it was on sale, i'm thinking of my future.
I was more concerned about the amount of mcdonalds fries on the floor around me than i was with my lack of clothes.
I tipped the hot bartender my entire wallet. Again.
It's like....nice talking about real estate but your son gave me herpes
I have now added draft and wells specials that different bars have to my blackberry calendar.. Help me.
Were you rubbing your penis on me while I slept? I smell like penis.
I have a 16 minute video of you talking about your life. We are calling it your Anthology sponsored by Steel Reserve
I felt like I was selling my soul to satan but then I realized I already pawned it for drug money
It's 2016 and I am a strong independent woman who just wants someone not weird to touch my butt, dammit
I havent moved from the couch and I'm licking peanut butter from a spoon, I'm a beautiful person.
if anyone breaks out the olive oil & slip n slide, text me 911.
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