omg i forgot michael madsen was in free willy this is the most epic movement of my stoned life
i was so blacked out at my family party.. my mom gave markers to all my little cousins. i was tagged by 5 year olds.
She was asian and in a relationship... my two weaknesses
this morning your mother said to me "sorry to have to meet you like this, in my sons bed" later she said "you never know whos gonna be in there. its scary sometimes"
Preparing for thanksgiving at home now by chugging bourbon. Less than a month to train!
Tell Chris I said sorry for yelling "It's my vagina, let me do what I want with it!" at the party last night.
Lol okay. He's gonna show up with like a trunk of sex toys. He's like the mary poppins of hotel fucking.
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
We watched playoff games and fucked so we could both see the TV. I've now found true love.
I'm a grown ass woman, I need to get fucked
She woke up next me in bed and told me to stop driving so fast.
Ha! Just garden hosed my vag and thought of you.
Somebody put William Shatner singing Bohemian Rhapsody on the jukebox, and the whole bar is about to riot.
we got cockblocked by his mom again...its like she has a radar on me
please stop trying to sleep with him
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