So I'm eating my burger minding my own business, when the guy next to me starts up a conversation. Seemed normal at first, stocks, bonds, etc...then he said...and I quote "I can push a bowling-ball up a flight of stairs with my tongue." As I awkwardly laughed he broke out "I bet you I could bite the head off of a rabbit."
thanks for brining me home and putting me in my bed. the pillow fort your built around me is also appreciated.
Uh, do you remember who's thong is in my tree?
I thought 4 percs were too many but I'm dumping Gogurt on apple pie and taking giant bong rips. This feels right.
I'm not asking you to commit. I'm politely asking your penis to be my friend.
After he came, I wiped my mouth on my baby blanket. I could feel nana rolling over in her grave.
One good thing about being really drunk when you go out to dinner is that the leftovers are a surprise. These quesadillas had shrimp in them! Who knew?
All i hear is "BITCH BETTER HAVE MY HONEY" and i turn around and there is a dude in a bear costume. It was fur real.
Just participated in the saddest thing: Cheetos. Handjob. I have lost at life
Whether ya want it or not, it's gonna happen. Assimilate to the gay
the conference was great. we had to hide the acid in a planter in front of the department of agriculture though
Well I had to use a seat cushion at Soul Cycle today so, yeah, I'd say the sex was good
I HAD TO TAKE A SHOT OF JAGER AND SOME REDBULL JUST TO SEE IF IT’LL MAKE MY MOUTH FEEL BETTER
Will u lay on an air mattress with me and drink vodka while we listen to Rick James?
I swear I have some evil slut demon in me when I'm blacked out
Don't we all.
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