News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
some random kid just walked into our apartment with two cases... I don't know who he is but I like him
I wish the ER had shaved that part of my head. It would be easier to show people my staples at the bar.
I'm at the point in my life where I'm trying to get guys I've fucked to give a ride to guys I'm going to fuck.
Just had to buy plan b w/ my robotic baby from family living.. Awkward.
Reunion weekend was a success. Had 3 ex's inside my vag. Hat trick!
How many people slept in the bouncy castle last night?
4 guys, 1 girl. Pretty sure were gonna have to pay the cleaning fee
I can make a sex schedule on Excel and send it to you guys
You kicked me our in the middle of a blizzard with a dead phone. I had to give my watch to a pizza delivery person to take me home. You owe me a gyro too.
FUCK the WHO, FUCK cancer, I'm gonna eat fucking bacon.
Do him. As soon as possible and as often as possible. That's what Oprah would say
Tbh.. I hope he still watches our sex tapes so he can be reminded of what he's missing out
she broke a 50 dollar bottle of alcohol. then passed out in front of her car and got sprayed by a skunk
I got eaten out in the igloo at snow-kings castle last night.My thighs were literally melting ruts in the ice bench.Definitely colder than the minus 40 blowjob at Desiree's wedding
And my butt misses you like the deserts miss the rain.
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