just jacked off in the bed i was conceived in.
he's making romantic advances towards me. and he has a pet snake. 2nd part not relevant, but interesting.
Yeah apparently i got lonely because everyone was hooking up so i took matters into my own hands. I woke up on the floor spooning a vaccuum cleaner, a mop, 40 paper cups, and industrial grade detergent.
Was that not clear on Friday when I nearly deapthroated two ice cubes?
so im sitting outside the gym eating a 20 piece nugget stoned out of my mind, convincing myself this is more productive because im so close to the treadmills.
Yeah we call her cincohandjabos because she gave 5 guys handjobs one night in 5th grade
In all fairness I didnt see your dick because it was already in her
No one should ever have to Neosporin their nipples. At least he apologized.
Dude you chased a girl around the yard and then fell over the curb. Face first. You got up on your own tho so you reached champion status
literally took my pants off in the middle of bourbon last night without taking off my heels im a super human i guess
i believe in u and ur pee
Being an adult is fun. You can experience a break up, then go fuck someone else in the woods.
I dont think you understand. A NOODLE FELL OUT OF MY VAGINA! I DEMAND TO KNOW WHAT YOU DID TO ME LAST NIGHT!
Birthday wine tasting got super shambly super quickly. I am covered in cuts/bruises/terrible life decisions.
So this ukranian guy got angry and took his clothes off. Now he has my credit card and I can't find my keys.
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