I woke up with a flask of whiskey and a mason jar full of sausage in my tux jacket. south georgia is where i belong
He's warming up to shark week, by only eating fish and drinking vodka, and all the time he keeps yelling "death to the seals!"
The stripper from Delilahs paid the desk clerk to find out my room #. Either Im doin something very right or she's doing it worng.
she wrote "need hug!" on a sticky note, put it on her back, and passed out on his bed. they're trying to figure out how she got into his room...
its not fair. if i was a guy, i'd be getting a high five for banging two in one night.
I don't think he realizes it but he was stroking the faucet while he was talking to me.
i'm gonna start fucking more girls with asthma. help feed my ego.
booty call birthday vouchers, best idea ever. it's like giving a present to myself for someone else's birthday.
The president of the frat said he was honored to award me "Best Overall Blow Jobs", free admission to all their future parties, and a $20 gift certificate to Denny's. I'm not sure if I feel proud or if that's just the burrito coming back up...
Also, what are the symptoms of syphilis?
Apparently asking your girlfriends roommate for a hand job when u craw into the wrong bed after a bottle of rum is "bad form".
Wake up. Eat bread. Find your dignity. Don't be late for work again.
Margaritas just taste better when they're bigger than your head
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
Your phone just changed "liver" to "liquor" how dose that make you feel
Somehow, you looked so classy chugging that bottle of wine last night.
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