God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
I feel like our house is getting pulled over.
Nothing says I have a hang over like telling your boss to "eat your shit"
Why do I have flashes of a dark shed in my memory?
Because we had sex in one.
She just sucked the buffalo sauce out of my beard. I've never been so disgusted and hard in my life.
Going stoned out of mind to my sociology exam because it's really just a pizza party. I love community college.
This is breast cancer awareness month... The least we can do is give a stripper some singles.
Literally just had a girl put her street name into my phone. Yeah.
I woke up on my girls floor with a pound of muenster cheese in my shirt pocket
Last night I watered my lawn and smoked a joint then cooked a steak. I'm really killing this adulthood thing.
we had sex while we waited for the thai food... a which will come first type of situation
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
I think he was trying to be romantic, but the candle he had lit was the kind you use to repel mosquitoes..
I have just discovered the land of milk and honey. and by milk i mean vodka and by honey i mean tequila.
Look, if it comes down to it, I’m spraying whipped cream on your nuts
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