You're going to have to start masturbating with your left hand. Or with someone's vagina
He asked if I wanted to blow his flute? Please call me and pretend there is a family emergency!!!
i called him pencil dick in front of over half of his fraternity brothers...
...never gotten so many high fives in my life! fuck ya i win!
I bought a nasal spray, my nose needs to be in order by the weekend
you made sure to tell everyone that the amount of people you had slept with was actually quite low, especially when the size of your breasts was taken into account
Don't worry we did the "promise to get an abortion" handshake
My math professor just asked us to draw the graph of the derivative of our drunkenness from friday to sunday. Dear Jesus this looks bad.
Miller High Life will be the death of me. Well, that and shower sex.
Come, dress lightly, bring tequila...
I am compiling a playlist that reminds me of all my best sexual encounters. It shall be called THE MUSIC OF MY VAGINA'S PEOPLE
I'm just saying; the box truck will cost less then dorms or rent, and we can always crash where the party is.
I think once you know a guy's chest measurements the stalking has gone too far..
I just set my acrylic nail on fire while trying to light my blunt
You attempted what you called the "Long Island Heist", in which you shoved a half glass of Long Island down your pants and asked me to help you sneak it out. That drunk.
Dealing with people is so much easier after you've had an orgasm or 4.
Randomize
