Grilled cheese is the best thing. ever. better than boys, and alcohol, and sex, and chocolate, and money. But not really the last two.
im covered in puffy paint and glitter i cant find kevin and im wearing shoes that dont belong to me....come get me please
We had break up sex twice. He said one was cause he had to say goodbye to both tits.
Thanks for having 911 ready when I jumped off the balcony
This whole night would have been avoided if the liquor store had air heads
Letting two friends screw at my place in exchange for weed. This is my life.
The toilet wouldn't flush at the club so I literally just shat in the garbage.
I truly wish I could say I pulled my groin straddling our cab driver but unfortunately I cannot
whatever bro. i had ice cream and whiskey for breakfast and its noon. this is the second worst christmas ever.
she walked through the crowd, completely naked, slapped a pool attendant in the face and stole the towel he was carrying. she used it to dry her hair.
for not the first time in my life, my clothes are covered in piss and i'm standing in line waiting to buy pedialyte at a convenience store
1. so the new neighbor u called dibs on.. I'm sorry..but not really. 2. She lactates, I guess that happens when you have a kid less then 5 months ago.... WTF!! 3. Is it fucked up I'm craving Ceral & Milk now?
A+ Viking dick
I feel like him using the excuse "I'm not a fan of lying" to stop me from sleeping around is hypocritical since he's cheating on his wife with me.
Just had a threesome with my best friend and LSAT teacher...just checked three things off my bucket list in one night
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