Don't go all Obama on me. George Bush this decision and just do it. Thinking's for the morning after
We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
I was about to go down on her and her dong flopped out and hit me in the chin. This may have a Nam like post-traumatic-stress-disorder effect on me.
Let's just say trying to drink my weight in apple pie shots looked better in theory.
officially christened the dorm room by sucking my spilled drink off the floor. tastes like homee
Throwing up so forcefully that toilet water hits you in the face is not what the Pilgrims and Indians had in mind for this holiday
no dont worry i changed into my costume in the hospital bathroom
I just want a sensitive guy who will get drunk with me then take me out to steal things. Is that too much to ask?
Were you drinking last night?
Because typically I don't associate the phrase 'Go sleepy time' with sobriety.
Now when you said you'd never sleep with me, did you really mean never on a Monday or never without handcuffs or a blindfold or never on a airplane or never without lots of booze? Cus never is a pretty strong word.
Me: 10% human, 90% poor drunken life choices.
I should come with a warning like "do not feed me tequila or cocaine, I will ruin the party and cry"
The only times we have to apologize in this friendship is when you intentionally punch me and that's only happened once so it's okay
I would also like you to tell your human bio class that I successfully smoked out the flu. 103 degree when I woke up yesterday. 100degree after one bowl. 4 more bowls and 16 hours later all that's left is a cough
I was supposed to see Marcus tonight and he cancelled. Listen, I shaved my butt hole. Somebody is getting this WAP 😂😂😂😂
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