My sheets look like a crime scene.
Good luck! Who knows he might be a stallion in the bedroom! or it could be like having sex with a crayon.
And we should impose a 'friends don't let friends order 25 shots at last call' rule
sarah just described his penis as "like bong-girth." I'm gunna go for it.
she's a dental assistant. she can get nitrous. kinda looks like a sloppy bucket of fuck. time to take one for the team. NEED SHOTS STAT!!
I think i can hear god laughing at me and yelling "thou shall pay for thy habits of underage drinking" through a megaphone directly at my eardrums
He put crushed up bacon in the joint and now we're listening to the Matilda soundtrack I have no idea what's going on
Would it be out of line to take a picture of all the earrings, rings, hairclips, and other miscellaneous girl items that I found under my bed and post it on facebook and tag all the girls that I slept with this year so they can claim their shit and get it out of my house?
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
Im gonna take a shit then figure out how to be better at basketball
I fucked her wearing an American flag. Now here I am, awake, naked, and flag less. How do I report this to the police?
Btw I'm currently writing a paper in a beer garden. Be proud.
I just saw a guy in a hazmat suit riding a tractor.
Please come check out theses cougars grinding on a pole. I feel like they're showing us up and we need a duel stat
So I guess I walked across campus with "pat my ass" in sharpie on my forehead.
You deserve it, you colossal cock block.
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