Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
Just got Netflix. Dexter Marathon. Still in my PJ's. Only eaten cookie dough and drinking a 40. I have never reeked so strongly of lonely .
Using 'equal to a modern day cock block" in term paper, inappropriate
She bit me. She gave me a brief pity cuddle. I gave her an awkward backrub, somehow I thought it would be a good idea to include the vagina in that. It wasn't.
Get this. Chipped my front tooth taking a sip of a gay mans beer out of my cleavage. Fuck my fucking life. that'll be fun to explain to my dentist
The last thing I want is a chocolate mold of my cock competing with my real cock for time spent in your mouth
Won't anyone wonder why I'm mute, bald, and wearing an eye patch?
Alright we have to be drunk.before noon tomorrow. Its a new law i just got passed through congress. It goes into effect imediately
I woke up wearing a lax pinnie under my shirt, a triathlon medal, and a dora backpack... I think I had fun
She just told me she thinks she bruised her labia in class
Dad danced with a girl half his age and her boyfriend just sat at the bar and waited for dad to be done. I bought pity nachos.
Ladies don't puke and tell
I am texting my fuck buddy about fucking tonight, while facebook chatting with his wife about food.
dude if looks could fuck you two would've been naked in front of everybody
You guys do the cocaine and I'll do the dishes.
Randomize
