Just walked by a yard full of girls wearing bikinis. I did my best to stare.
Just ate applesauce I laced with percocets for dinner. I'm pretty sure my grandmother does the same thing.
Okay, we really need to start training for the St Pattys parade. 48 hours of green beer won't end well if we don't prep ourselves. 2 week bender starts now
Come over and play the Jeter 3000 drinking game. You drink if the commentators say "captain" or "3000". I'll drink if they say "overrated" or "past his prime".
I might have to break the "you stay out of my sister and ill stay out of yours" pact that i have with tim
And I just realized we will be at a strip club when the end of the world is supposed to happen. This is destiny
I spent a lot of time in their kitchen cause I was convinced that the living room was gonna fall... Sorry for not warning you about that.
Milk that cash cow for all the shots she's worth
Friend as in 'I used to have sex with her' or friend as in 'I still want to have sex with her'?
She asked how comfortable I was with her while we were in the shower. She then proceeded to pee in said shower.
Not really how I planned to achieve immortality, but I'll take it.
I'm still alive btw, in case you were worried about my well being.
I'm going to make you a sign to put on your penis to ward others off
Let me get this straight. You stopped mid foreplay to shave your legs?
Um yeah. I wasn't about to shave them if nothing was happening. And I have HBO. It's not like he's the victim here.
Bro, I was just laying in bed with this girl and her boyfriend came an woke me up
Randomize