i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
just mention it in a side comment sometime today... like oh by the way i have a daughter but um yeah my day was good
and that's why he's hiding in the taco suit
CANT TOUCH THIS JUST CAME ON MY IPOD. LOVE STEVE JOBS
Some ambulance just rolled up to this bar and this girl just hops out of the back and walks inside
She was drinking straight whiskey out of her peacock shaped vase again.
It took him an hour to realize I wasn't this "Sarah" girl, and by then he was already crying and eating pizza rolls.
You were sitting in the middle of the floor spewing vodka at people proclaiming "I a whale". That drunk.
Hey, if I can't get it and you're still alive, can you get the glass out of my foot? Happy Sunday.
I thought that wasn't a thing ever since she showed you her vag on the dance floor
So I was bartending last night and this guy w/ his gf said that he recognized me, so I asked him, "do you watch a lot of gay porn?"
Well I was going to go home but vodka happened.
He had really great hair, but he told me he's been in a psych ward three times. I mean I know I'm a psych major, but that's too much.
I ate so much cake that I can't even enjoy a blowjob
That's the most first world problem I've ever heard in my life.
My roommate randomally bought me two bags of pretzels. Worst "Sorry you can hear me fucking my boyfriend everynight" gift ever.
Randomize
