You covered in salsa con queso would take care of all of my cravings right now
i love when people i haven't talked to since we fucked write on my wall.
First day at work... I clogged up the office toilet on purpose to assert my dominance.
I remember tearing his shower curtain down but I don't remember trying to shave my vag...
I swear 95% of pictures on my phone are from drunken nights I don't remember with me doing a peace sign alone in somebody's bedroom.
A drunk hobo just gave me a fist bump. Because I know what a womb is.
When you called me you were telling a hobo that you couldn't spare ten bucks bc that was your beer money. All your words were slurred.
Fuck him.
Would it be inappropriate to do a science fair project on whether the type of drunk a person is is determined by nature or nurture
dude you're not even a fucking science major
Please, by all means, tell me what can't be helped by two stiff drinks & a blowjob?
Can I borrow your google glasses to make a sex tape?
Dude, we got to the strip club as they were closing, and you starting crying because, and I quote, "This is the closest to birthday sex I'm gonna get."
That's really the only reason I'm dating you, the prospect that I might get bacon
I JUST AGREED TO GO TO A CHILD'S BIRTHDAY PARTY AT A PLACE CALLED PUZZLE'S FUN DOME WHY DO I HATE MYSELF
The last thing I remember is trying to chug the rest of the everclear, running through a fence, and laying down in the snow. I hurt.
She looked up and said "I like this." I asked "what do you like?" she said "penis."
Randomize
