Do you think Conan would leave his wife for me?
Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
I just saw a girl make a shank with the underwire in her bra...
operation have a gay friend backfired
Couple of things: my nipples are blue and knowing that at some point I'm going to have to poop is incredibly terrifying
This stranger told me I should "start playing for the other team" and then continued to talk to me about the joys of being a lesbian
If our text convos ever saw the light of day lives would be in tatters
You both ran and jumped into the tub yelling Jamaican bobsled team
Does it qualify as sexting if you're both pretending to be fictional characters?
I'm not sure whether to be proud of you or weirded out.
he said he was going grocery shopping but when he came back all he had was a jumbo bag of pancake mix and case of beer.
the essentials, lol
I was going down on her and she started whistling "Whistle while you work." I'm in love.
If anything I look like a soccor mom going out for her annual ladies night. Trying hard, but not quite in her twenty's anymore.
I just watched an intern spill two trays of coffee inside a spinning door
Best exit from a building ever
Also I know now I was meant to be a comedian. Had both arresting officers laughing.
Randomize
