No, I'm not okay. Girls are wearing BUMPITS here.
I'm officially my mother.. Smoking in the garage pretending to take the dog out in a big ugly jacket
He gave me his number and said the usual call whenever you need someone but then was like... or just call me.
You would pick up a guy in AA.
I just woke up in bed, rolled over, and found a whole pizza.
this is the second day in a row.
Oh. Yeah. It's the same pizza then.
I want to reach into my vagina and rip out my uterus with my bare hands. Understand how much it hurts now?
I swear to god, my hangover cure is a green tea and a 15 minute twerkout. works every time
Just got a message from a drag queen on okcupid. I cant even catfish successfully.
the evidence suggests last night I either took a bath in beer or drank 18 beers while in the bath. either one sounds good to me. sad i don't remember it
I didnt realize until i got your email that what i've been missing in my life is someone to send me dog gifs
Fuck I forgot the furry convention was this weekend and now I'm downtown. Way too high for this shit.
Stop sending me pictures of you naked. This violates the friend zone agreement.
some people waaaaait a lifetime for a hookuppp like this some people seeeearch forever for that one special handjobbb
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. It doesn't matter what it's about. Last text was about a homeless dude
Somehow i instagrammed my acceptance letter while blacked out. Then my grandma was the first to comment on it. I got over 50 likes....Phd here I come....
Yeah that was post sex. I was thinking in my mind, no wonder he didnt ask me to call him daddy since he actually is a dad
Randomize
