Making out with married ex girlfriends: priceless
Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
Banged a lazy eyed chick last night. It was like fucking an iguana.
This is a whole other level of drinking. Like the I used to eat paste with these people kinda drinking.
Turned the water balloon filler into a jungle juice fire extinguisher. Please call me tomorrow afternoon and make sure that i'm still alive.
Hi. I probably already told you this mid puke, but thanks again for babysitting me last night. How did I get in the car?
You know i'm the father figure
Yeah the father who ate her out with me last night. Great dad
This is love.
Which part? The alcoholic cupcakes or the lesbian st paddys day party?
It feels like eating ice cream while riding a unicorn over a rainbow waterfall made of glitter.
That is possibly the gayest thing that was ever thought of by anyone anywhere.
I just don't fit in here. The other wives are ten years older and have kids!
Well, you chose trophy wife of a 35 year old over college. Sit in your suburban soup and stew.
What does that mean when you have a child masturbating in your dream? Is that weird?
Romantically speaking, I want to sit on his face.
You know you hit Mardi Grad bottom when you come to in someone's kitchen on the floor and you are eating gumbo out of a Mixing bowl with a ladle......yeah rock fucking bottom
i spent most of last night convincing myself that dan akroyd wasn't actually standing in my bathroom holding a dead chicken
He's my blizzard buddy. We're blowing lines and doing a 3D game of thrones puzzle
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