We George Forman grilled some girls phone last night.
how do i say, "my ex is going to be at this party so don't look like shit" without sounding like a bitch?
I just found a thank you note I apparently wrote to my bed last night for letting me borrow the comforter.
Yeah... I was considering changing that part but the boxed wine is non-negotiable.
Congratulations!! You are the WINNER of a brand new BLOWJOB!! You can collect your prize between the hours of 12pm and 1pm today, anywhere you'd like!!! :)
I don't want to tell anyone! People who sleep with senators either end up in porn or guantanamo
Just saw a guy with two baby turtles sneaking into the building
Can I also remind you that we insisted on touching his mustache?
Well of course I remember it took up like 20 minutes of my night.
How did you get him out of the shower last time?
Order Taco Bell and leave a trail of burritos leading to his bed.
We're exchanging our favorite porn sites at 9 am. I think this brings our relationship to a whole new level
well considering the guy who just delivered my cookies had to console me as i had a mental breakdown in front of him i'd say i'm 4/10 right now, thank you
blue gatorade loses no color upon regurgitation
THAT BEAUTIFUL FACE AND HEAVENLY LIGHTING IS NOT HELPING THE NOT DEAD POINT HOW DO I NOT KNOW YOU ARE NOT TEXTING ME FROM THE AFTERLIFE
The after life smells like latex gloves and hand soap
Act your age.
I am. I'm acting like a drunk 20 year old.
there is puke in my bra ... again
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