so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
seeing an 80 year old woman puke in the bushes changes everything...
that's spring break in florida for ya
Just think, if your stepsister would've gotten knocked up 2 years earlier, she could've had a TV show. What a bitch.
i think he drugged the pie. i'll get back to you on that later.
My mouth holds just enough water for my bong
So I just told the bartender I would go down on her. You need to get here
In the 30 seconds it took me to leave the bar I let the barback motorboat me, ripped open a stranger's shirt and bit his chest, then made out with El Camino dude. No, I'm not coming out tonight.
Definitely just put my car on cruise control so I could stick my head out of the sunroof while driving to taco bell.
Next time we include dessert condiments into our sex life we can fuck up my sheets. It's only fair.
so...the lady doing my pedi totally noticed the human bite marks on my calf. Who says marriage ends your sex life? Love u!
Giving the guy pizza was a good idea. Leaving him naked on the pool table makes you my hero
There are far too many naked dudes in your apartment, and they aren't even watching porn. I mean seriously, they've got the Lion King on.
Appearently I went across the hall last night demanding to ride my neighbors moose... How much did I drink?
I would give a kidney to fuck him and he knows it. That bastard.
You know its a good night when ur woken up by the bartender asking you how he ended up at your house
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