He chugged from a bottle of wine and then we had pretend sex
How do you have pretend sex?
It was bad...so it was pretend
corn on the cob and anal lube are not substitutes for the real thing
He said he had bite marks on his back... Turns out he had to throw me over his shoulder, and I was really reluctant.
You know how girls with huge tits have back problems? Do you get knee problems or something?
We picked up some guys dressed as shamrocks at taco bell. I will text you with further information.
Yea I saw a friend of yours carrying your limp body somewhere
I told my grandmother all I want is a nice guy who likes to be tied up.
Do you guys think there will be a coke-for-Molly barder at bonnaroo?
60% of the guys I've slept with are on my holiday greeting card mailing list. I'm an amazing ex lover.
I mean you're asking high Chelsea. I'd sell myself for a rice crispy
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
Really need a jack off emoji
Who do we write to about that?
I still can't believe a guy pooped in my backyard
Did I see you at the bar last night?
Yes. You just kept grabbing my boobs and saying how much better they are than yours...
I would cock slap so many things if I had a cock.
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