Hey sorry for feelin' up your date. Sadly, this is a mass txt.
If there was a creeper hall of fame you and me would be the first two inductees
All I learned from that experience was that drinking scotch out of a crunk goblet was bad news.
She told me she eats fruit when she's hungover because it has more water than water.
Just saw out breathalyzer tubes from last night on the side of the road. Glad the cop let us know that they are biodegradable
Remember...the emancipation proclimation is your favorite document, you love asian women, japanese food is the tits, and you willfully employ as many latinos as possible...
He was the one that got away. From my vagina.
WE'RE FINALLY ADMITTING THAT WE DESPERATELY WANT TO SCREW EACH OTHER. THIS IS WHAT PROGRESS FEELS
I gave him my yeast infection. HOW THE FUCK DOES THAT EVEN WORK?
Made a holiday JibJab of all my fucks. How's your night?
Confirm that you received these messages so that I know you feel the agony of my vagina. There is such a thing as "too many penises".
I thought my broken hand would put a damper on Halloween, but fake costume eyelashes and hydrocodone are kinda fun at the same time.
If Plan B had a rewards card I would have earned so many free tote bags by now
I found one of those wine glass confetti bits in my ass crack.
I just found those cheese sticks in my purse. Along with a handful of confetti.
Randomize
