Ramen noodles and uncensored jerry springer episodes, what a nice life i have.
Which one of you FUCKERS filled the toilet with soil and planted my mothers daisys in it? NOT FUCKING HAPPY
bad: friday night i tripped and fell outside my dorm. worse: i just found out i broke my ankle. worst: i was shitfaced and don't remember any of this.
Id love to say been there done that but im a slutty drunk not a stupid one.
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
Saturday dinner is funfetti cake and merlot. Singlehood has come to this.
The fool I made of myself at the Ugly Christmas Sweater party last night was surpassed this morning when I walk of shamed 6 miles at 7am with one mysterious wet leg and no pants on. I think my mom saw me and waved.
I just had a threesome in the back of my mom's van. I'm pretty sure the rest of my week is going to be epic.
At what point does "I'm too high to deal with you right now" stop being rude?
I think my vagina is phsycic. All day it tingled and then BAM Channing Tatums look alike fucks me like ive never been fucked in my life.
Why can't people give useful wedding gifts...like sex swings or Nutella?
Anyway. I unfriended all of these people like a grown up and I am never talking to them again
How the fuck did we end up at a strip club last night.. We started the night playing bingo at a church
Casey, if you want the continuing love of our mother, you're gonna need to stop drunk texting her from PCB.
Not my lover. I would rather lose all my teeth, and I fucking love my teeth.
How did people get blow jobs before text messaging?
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