Didn't tell him I was on my period. Then had to surreptitiously remove some uterine lining from his cock.
I literally just watched a girl motorboat herself
apparently drunk me likes to play hide the puke.. was not a fun time washing all my legos.
at which point I apparently ran in and shouted "I made the sex with that one!"
So where are we on this whole, you write my paper...i do sexual favors situation?
I feel like you pissing on my ping pong table isn't something to be proud of.
We're stealing the mannequin. He's my new swimming partner.
That awkward moment when you can't tell what smells like tacos: you, the cat, or the strange guys blanket your so tenderly swaddled in.
So I found where you barfed in my house. Just wanted to let you know that my cat barfed on the kitchen floor in a show of solidarity
You are a magnificent human being. I love you from head to toe. This wine is DELICIOUS.
I'm pretty sure I just gave myself third degree burns from punching my pizza.
At the ER. John needs stiches. Fuck pub trivia nights.
My mom and sister were over. When my drunk roommate came home, he yelled "GOT BITCHES IN MY CONDO"
I don't think Buddha would recommend a sexscpade across Mexico
I really need to get a comfy set of masturbating shoes
Randomize
