Remember that time I came into your room after taking a muscle relaxant and we argued about what state has the longest coastline?
Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
Its the little things i like about bein home like having actual toilet paper instead of subway napkins
Ifound a recepit for a hotel room in my sock. soo.. Ithink thats where my dog is.
Babe, I need to be clear. I DO NOT WANT TO HAVE ANAL. Never. No anal. No "talking about it"
I ended up staying at a police station for being a witness in a public masturbation case..NOW do you believe me that I've never had a good St. Patrick's Day?
saying that you may be able to suck the gay out of me was just my way of getting a blowjob...thank you for the valiant effort.
You may or may not of thrown up on your shoes, and you tried to give me a wet willy in my eye.
I wanna give a stern lecture to whoever invented pants cause they are hard right now
He wins the giant teddy bear for getting the neuva ring on the dick
I'm about to order this penis-casting kit so text me within 5 mins if you're not down
I'm sorry I was just sleeping on the kitchen floor I'm too dead to think
And for the record I didn't even have sex last night. I threw up in his toilet and slept in his bed until noon
It stopped being casual for me when I waxed my vagina for you
I don't know if it was the movie or the drugs but after i watched it i wore the same spongebob shirt to school for two weeks and stopped showering
Randomize
