16 and pregnant actually makes me really happy that i'm gay
you may be an alcoholic when your drug dealer calls to yell at you for drinking too
a lot of self evaluation comes after you have to clean up a trashcan of your own vomit and condoms
When black out puking doesn't involve crying and promises to never get drunk again... to just a subtle, 'excuse me while I go vomit in the bathroom of this bar'.. you know you've finally grown up.
Totally just grabbed the wrong dick. Damn this tequila.
I don't know which part of you thought this was funny but it's fucked up to wake up in that much fluff and now we don't have a couch. Fuck you.
From scraping the remnants from a coke bag at a lingerie party to meeting with an 80 year old man to discuss civil rights all in under 12 hours bizarrely feels like the epitome of my life
There's a guy here who is improvising his own shadow dance on a table against the wall, in case you're wondering how my night is going
As soon as we had sex he stopped opening doors for me. That wasn't an exchange. Im still a god damn princess
You know you went through something intense when you actuallu applaud yourself for not shitting your pants
You are the ghost of drunk bitches past, present, and future.
I feel sorry for the person who's phone number is 704-1776 cause from now on I'm giving that number to every guy I never wanna talk to again. Happy Independence Day
Never let me go online shopping while drunk. I now own 2 baby cribs. I have no children
If you ever tell anyone I offered you boob squeezes for cheetos, I'll kill you
He had a tattoo of the Batman logo around his asshole. I noped right the hell out of there.
Randomize
