I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
Even if you were sober, spitters are STILL quitters, end of story.
i left after you tried to balance a shot of tequila on your head while screaming at the bar tender that you fucked his girlfriend
holy shit thats the most artistic dick pic ever
Hey man. We haven't met but my name is Ben. I threw up a bunch at your house last night. I heard you smoke though so I'll smoke you out anytime.
Bacon Cheddar rum burgers are as great as they sound. I knew that 100 proof Captain would be good for something other than vomit.
He bought me a burrito. I introduced him as "Horse-Dicked Jake" all night. My debt has been repaid.
him crossdressing on the weekends is awkward but not a deal breaker for me.
He woke up, yelled "RALLY!" and then puked in my glove compartment
I'm high and dancing to practical magic. Your needs for my penis can wait.
I will expect an hourly check text to confirm you are alive and that you aren't dead in a ditch somewhere with a hobo dry humping your corpse
He threw a twenty at the stripper and asked for change
well did he get it
....yes
Imagine Arby's curly fries spiraled around a dick
The only reason I know his name is because we wrote marriage vows in orange crayon on the back of a Walmart receipt.
STOP BUYING ALADDIN PANTS WITH MY AMAZON CREDIT CARD
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