Hard rock hotel, wtf why am i still out, im gonna fuk 5 chix 2nite .maybe
I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
Dood you jacked it to warcraft. you can't come back from something like that
I just saw a Puerto Rican child between the ages of 8 and 11 with a faint mustache talking very loudly on the bluetooth in his ear about how "Skittles are played the fuck out"
Um, I don't really remember much about the event... and then I woke up on the metro..
he came so fast he could have be employed at jimmy johns
It's amazing the difference a day and 2000 mg of antibiotic make. Nine days to go.
What's more awkward than your little brother in law screaming, "I SAW YOUR TITTIES" at the breakfast table?
His step dad chiming in on the jokes.
I've slipped into the part of my life where I am not having sex to get Phils tickets from this chick. I need to seriously rethink my life decisions
You just yell-acapella'd the theme to fresh prince of bel air to me while a different song is playing in the bar.
I think pretend fucking a camel is a good thing to do downtown. They loved me.
He's like... An octopus that touches my vagina in all these diff ways at the right times. It's almost unsettling
I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.
BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED
I hurt myself, but I'm pretty sure I saved the carpet.
Apparently I drunkenly agreed to help the homeless. For once, I'm not disappointed in drunk me. Four for you, drunk self. You go, drunk self!
Randomize
