Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.
My mom can no longer prohibit me from smoking pot..I sell to her boyfriend.
They let you pick the name that they announce for you at graduation. The professional world needs to prepare itself for papa smurf mcdonald.
I woke up exactly where I passed out... on top of him yet he somehow put his pants back on
I'm sure I'm not the FIRST newly single girl to table dance at a family restaurant.
Just saw a dude in a banana costume get beat down by a one shoed black dude wearing a kilt...paninis is such a shit show after 10 on a Saturday
I hope you dream of an avalanche of penises
I sobered up in the middle of it, that I was hooking up with him in a rosemary bush. I woke up smelling like a pasta dish
I wanna come do a blessing for your apartment. And by that I mean I want to drink a lot of whiskey and watch ancient aliens in your apartment
answer my text you professional douchebag
and i mean that in the cutest, flirtiest way possible
My boss doesn't know what jello shots are. I've lost faith in this company.
He's my favorite late night booty call. He lives next to a Wendy's.
He literally had a Trump sign in his front yard. I just can't now.
Why did I not realize how important my fridge was till I was drunk. It keeps all my food cold its like my own cold box
he told me he had a gf and in the very next sentence asked if I wanted to have sex.
Randomize
