Hey, kurt drew a penis on you and wrote my innotals. I had nothing to do a/ that.
Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
The only pictures he has from one of the biggest football weekends is an album titled "I miss my dog" filled with tons of pictures of his dog and him. This relationship must end.
I just worked out and used handles of vodka as weights. Whoever said alcoholism is detrimental to you health obviously has no fucking idea.
Im about to have a threesome, Ill pay you twenty bucks to go clean my room. Just throw it all in the closet.
She's the perfect storm when it comes to psycho stalkers
You are right. The scrape marks on her ass are from her breaking the doggy door by crawling through it.
i asked the cop if we could stop and do a chinese firedrill.... he said no.
Our 450 pound cab driver smells like McDonalds and sunblock with a touch of vodka. Correction I smell like vodka.
My mom just walked in and she was like "Who ate all of the cheese?" and all I could think of was you trying to become a human taco
I'm gonna take a crap in the portashitter like a civilized human being.
He has a bathrroom scale in his room with an alarm attached to it so anything over 150 sets it off and in his drinking stupper he can make a run for it.
That was the night I passed out and someone threw chicken at me. SORRY I wasn't available to cockblock you from that Hispanic dude.
If I could drink as much and have the amount of sex he has at his age, well I'd probably be dead
Ehh, the third backed out. Two still isn't bad. Who gets a bootycall to pick them up from a bootycall's house anyways? Only me.
Randomize
