I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
So he sent me a text that said "say hi to your vajayjay for me"
Was there any message he wanted you to relay to your asshole?
Whoever decided putting Tom Seizmore and Heidi Fleiss together in rehab should win some kind of award.
This gyro tastes like lonliness
God I love babysitting. They pay me $10 an hour to watch movies and sext
i didn't realize we were even dating until i ran out of weed
there is beer in every square inch of this apartment and he hasn't even lived in it for 24 hours. we're playing some game that involves slamming beer, beer pong and smacking people's cups out of their hands.
The amount of alcohol I'm going to consume on my birthday is directly proportional to the amount of shit I've had to put up with this past year. Which is a lot.
My asshole is basically a geyser at this point. Minus the excitement. Plus blood.
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
You were so proud of your stupid "magic trick" but all you did was piss on the couch. don't talk to me for a few days.
He's not replying to my booty call. Like wtf. You have ONE PURPOSE IN LIFE.
22 is way too old to still be having "thank god I think I'm getting my period" days
Hey I consider Sunday's trip to the ER a success. You're alive and now you know for sure you're not pregnant. I got my highest ever Tetris score. Wins all around.
Right?? Give me some apple scented candles and I'm a fall wet dream
Randomize
