I cannot remember December 31 for the past 3 years. it might as well not even exist on my calendar anymore
my mom found all the used condoms in my bed side table
whatd she say to you?
no words- put them all in a circle, put the bible in the middle
On my arm I have 12 dashes, and below is written "plus 2 pretty stout whiskey drinks, so, you be the judge"
why do you have a stuffed bear wearing a thong and a seatbelt in your backseat??
Yeah I had to push her down the hallway to the hotel room in a luggage carrier. The guy at the desk told me goodluck
She was trying to fuck the exchange student from France. His English is really bad and the music was loud so she just pointed to a beer bottle and then her vagina.
I WILL MAKE A FLYING LEAP FOR YOUR DICK WHEN I SEE YOU THROUGH THE WINDOW
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
If taco bell and midol can't fix her, she's in gods hands now.
She tried to beat the waitress over the head with a bread stick because one of her martini olives was missing a pimento. All while screaming "IT'S GAMEDAY BITCH"
Olive Garden will never be the same.
My chiropractor just high fived me for getting drunk enough to throw my back out this weekend.. Life. Complete.
Who spent today in nothing but a vajazzle and candy thong? SORRY NOT SORRY
Is it socially acceptable to break up with someone over snapchat?
When you put my balls in your mouth i just want to buy you expensive gifts...you know what i mean?
He tried to eat me out...through my pants.
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