She told me at midnight she would blow me harder than a new years party kazoo
Just did a kegstand with my dad. Happy fathers day.
I wonder what a non-hungover friday at work is like
It started as a joke and ended with a trip to the emergency room, a broken macbook and a gigantic hole in the concrete of my driveway.
I couldn't help thinking that my sock monkey was judging me
My mom had to physically restrain me because I wouldn't stop acting like a dinosaur.
I just puked my brains out on the side of the road (see picture) And I took a picture for our scrapbook! I am always thinking! =) tell me your proud?!
my roommate made out with a guy wearing a squirrel costume, equipped with a blow up tail. time to start harvesting nuts for the winter
your sister totally cock blocked me last night don't even think about inviting her to taco night
YES. YOU ARE GOING TO HAVE SEX WITH ME WHILE I SING LES MIS.
I received a sext from my girlfriend, and a deal for free chips and guacamole at chipotle at the same time. I have tasted heaven, and it is beautiful.
I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
I just saw a guy in a hazmat suit riding a tractor.
If I had any lingering questions about my sexuality, the strip club tonight verified I'm 100% gay
And pointless. I'm fully vested in all my calories coming from booze today. The salad just fucks that shit up
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