Just got laid for the first time in 3 yrs, 10 mo, 1 wk & 2 days. YESSSS.
Apparently Sundays are the worst days for your friends to get their head split open and need stitches...there's only 1 doctor on duty
sometimes i wish i was a boob, they get to chill in soft and cuddly little cup things.
I wonder if she thought to herself "I'm gonna sleep with that guy tonight" when she watched me puke on the bar at 3 in the afternoon?
The guy in the next stall screamed courtesy flush and then puked. Bless you Vegas
Just don't let me fall on anything that can be broken. Unless its a dick
Trust me I was high for like 5 years...I got this
Tequila pump. I'm ecstatic your engineering degree has real world application.
I don't need you anyway! I have puppies and booze!
I was jerking him off and in two seconds he went from "oh yeah that feels good" to "what day is Thanksgiving again?" and then back again. Like wtf.
Is it a problem if I'm trying to condition Goodbye Horses to trigger an erection?
He totally fucked me in his Chewbacca socks
You know that episode of Spongebob where Patrick teaches Spongebob to be fancy? His dick was like that, only fancier.
We get up to three toppings. Dignity is not one of them.
So I took a screenshot of my boarding pass and the TSA agent somehow swiped it to the next photo. Yep...TSA saw my dick before I even went through the body scanner.
Randomize
