Forgive me I'm always horny when I wake up
since when did accompanying a guy to a wedding mean that anal was required that night?
Intervention is following me on twitter.
wow.
whats a positive sounding word for "exploit"?
Your dad's facebook is ejaculating midlife crisis all over my minifeed
And with me just getting pulled over and you maxing your card out on tennis balls I don't know if we can afford it
The cab driver thought we were passed out so he called a sexline...
bad sex. bad bad bad. it was like trying to pick up an overcooked noodle with an empty pringles can. why do these guys always seem to find me?
Can we just focus for a minute on the fact that I HAD MY FIRST LESBIAN ENCOUNTER.
Right. How rude of me to inform you that you're going to be an aunt.
I'm watching the Brazzers version of Mary Poppins and enjoying it. Volume on and all. 45 minutes.
God it's like my stomach is full of drunk bees
Explain why there's a meatball in my bong
Worst. Date. Ever. He peeled a layer of bread off his mini burger buns because they had "too many carbs".
I was supremely disappointed in the lack of dick and doughnuts in my life last week.
He told me that after two hours of fucking he feels as though his dick wants to detach from his body and go to Mexico..
Randomize