I just had the ultimate walk of shame. I'm barefoot, in his gym short with vomit in my hair and I walked half a mile through campus. At noon. Thanks for picking up ur phone
she told me she sucks everyone's dick but mine because mine is too big and "hard to suck" i need to reevaluate the girls i fall in love with.
I've never heard a "this is the reason why i dont suck your cock" explanation go in that direction
Yea i'm supposed to have jury duty on monday. Hope they don't mind me still being drunk.
Na you can't get charged for public intoxication unless you're outside. I checked.
No flamethrowers. That is a direct order.
The AC broke so he ended up sleeping in the front yard and left his one night stand on the couch.
He turned off the music when i walked in and introduced me to everyone. then they gave me jager and made me chug it while holding a giant purple dildo. everything resumed when i finished
We haven't said piping hot jizz in awhile... that needs to come back into our conversations
I ordered a million chicken go wraps and they gave me five. Even when im drunk I can count to a million and know its not five. They fucked me.
I could not actually bring myself to utter the phrase "donkey cock" in front of my father. Not possible.
You yell at me for giving you beer but not for licking spilled beer off your chest.
i almost threw up on his dick. its like icarus, flew too close to the sun. except the sun is his dick and my throat was icarus
But what we lack in money, we make up for in dry humor and drugs
He has no idea he’s my boyfriend.
Found someone cuddling with my Uggs this morning. Guess the hundred pillows laying next to him weren't good enough.
I only gave you one rule about using the beach house: don’t get cum on anything!
You’ve seen my tits! You had to know that rule was unrealistic! Does it help that he was really cute?
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