Rescue me. My white trash great uncle just pulled out his belly at the restaurant to show us how big this woman's tit was
soooo we both peed the bed last night...
I just gave some chick my debit card to put in the jukebox. She better put out.
I remember saying "sorry" to the blunt before throwing it out the window
Apparently it costs $70 to clean vomit off the side of our apartment building.
He just said "fuck you" to the bowl he's eating things out of
You know you're at a low point when you're sucking vodka out if your hair.
Also, I'm sat on the floor drinking cava because life is just not working for me tonight.
I love our relationship. We just get drunk, show each other our tits, demonstrate sexual positions and make pasta. Then you go to bed and I sit around with your mom and cry about how proud of you we are.
Was the first guy that bit your neck last night wearing a trenchcoat...I have a vague memory.
I like how zombie Abe Lincoln and hooking up with a girl were on your same thought process.
I was at the pharmacy picking up my herpes medication and the pharmacist asked if I had any questions about my medicine, looked at the bottle, and laughed. Insult to injury man.
My eczema on my back is flaring up so he rubbed coconut oil on it while we were boning down. If that's not a picture of 8 years married I dunno what is.
Not sure what happened last night, but I woke up without a shirt on and cereal glued to my boobs...
I was so drunk I got motion sickness from sex.
Randomize
