every time i send "do you want some cock" to her T9 manages to change it to "anal"...i think she's mad now
we were playing true or dare on a webcam chat and i was way to drunk ...i ended up having to drink my own piss outta a beer bottle, life couldnt get any worse right now
I wish the holidays was like a drive thru. Get in. Get your presents. Get out.
Hey bro, did you ever hear from the background investigator that i was supposed to bang?
Showerbowl immediately followed by pullups naked. I feel like fucking Tarzan
I need a gatorade, my back cracked, my crimper, my shot glass, a sock of rice and an explanation.
You did this to yourself.
I only think it appropriate to apologize for making out with your next boyfriend. It won't happen again.
We got Pizza Hut & Papa Johns, delivered within seconds of each other, and both delivery people did a shot. I was put on Earth for this moment.
Hey. Make all the seamen/semen jokes you want. Not many people can say they fucked 2 different girls in two different countries in one week on a tax free bonus. Next up: Italy.
i know i saw many looks of jealousy when i walked solo into subway carrying a cheesy gordida crunch after taco bell closing hours
I'm sure for most of the people, it was the one and only miracle they will see
I will rip it off your body in ways are socially offensive but you still kind of like.
Things my liver can't take in one weekend. Surprise nights off at work and male strippers. Woke up jaundiced.
I didn't want sex last night, but she charmed my dick out of my pants like a snake charmer.
Hey you're my best friend, I'm sorry I picked my vagina over my heart last night.
I am convinced you could sleep through the apocalypse and only wake up because youre hungry & want Dominoes
Randomize
