my mind is a poorly written porno when i'm drunk.
i feel sorry for the hotel staff that makes the bed after we have sex
Medicore although I woke up with the business card of a Turkish lawyer called Mufasa...
I just dropped off shoes at Mike's hotel. The chick he hooked up with last night stole his phone and shoes.
This girl caught me staring at the cat but stroking the computer because it was closer, which is why I hate blunts.
I have stripper ass cheeks all over my glasses
He spelled Steven with "ph", needless to say my nose was almost bleeding from the amount of axe he was wearing.
The Uber driver took us to a Waffle House. We didn't even say anything when we got in. MAGIC.
Are you trying to say I've made an emotionally well rounded transformation similar to the Grinch?
What can I say I sleep with 40 year old Cougars because my mother gave me away at birth and apparently that's why says my therapist
Man, it's really obvious that I was either handcuffed or tied up last night. Either way, not something you'd want coworkers knowing.
He called out my ex's name during sex.
Alex is a pretty common unisex name.
It was the same Alex. I asked.
He told his wife he was too old to pretend to be straight. She tried to argue. He walked two tables over and was like this is my highschool sweetheart and he's an excellent fuck, we're running away together. It was epic.
I’m a little confused...we were told by Cheeto Jesus and his minions multiple times that we would stop hearing about coronavirus the day after the election and, yet, I am still hearing about coronavirus. Is it possible they lied to us again?!?
Ok, as his sister I didn't tell you this but he's very familiar with pregnancy symptoms. So next time he calls you fat freak him the hell out by asking if your ankles look swollen.
Randomize
