Tell LD happy birthday and party like it's $19.99
Recession joke.
I'm single ladies-ing it in my kitchen alone. after I just made an intense new breakup cd and before I drown my sorrows by marinating alone in my jacuzzi later. I cant tell if this is a new low or a new high
Turns out you're obligated under man law to share any passwords you may have for porno sites
Is that what they're teaching u at that bar review class?
Besides, I'm not in my 30's. I'm still allowed to drink wine from a bag.
He was waring a speedo fashioned out of american flag bandanas and when he got hard he said "you're such a patriot...raising the american flag like that"
An accidental pregnancy to a guy with a trustfund is no mistake. It is a gift from god.
To the genius that put everclear in my humidifier: your time is coming.
If I should ask "why am I still single?" could someone please remind me of shooting mike and ikes out of my nose at the bartender last Saturday. many thanks
"Shots" of grape juice. I fucking hate Utah soooo fucking much.
I need to think of the best way to tell this boy he's not getting his pants back
He did not appreciate the "you did reuse the diamond" comment when looking at his new fiance's ring.
also please imagine me hopping a fence at 3am using two chairs. It was a shit show. K's guy practically ripped her off the top of the fence bc she got semi stuck. It was like watching Disney on Bud Ice.
These morning walks of shame have became my morning jogs
And thank god for autocorrect cuz I can't even think in English let alone spell in it right now.
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
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