I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
Shaving your vagina at 8 months pregnant is not an easy chore.
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
Preparing for wine wednesday. How would you feel about improvising and starting a white russian wednesday tomorrow instead? you know, shake things up a bit.
Currently separating the burrito I just stuffed in my purse from the weed in my half smoken bowl that was already in it. My what the fuck moment beats yours.
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
obviously he wasnt ready for this jelly and you can quote me on that
Should I feel guilty that my husband is cheating on his girlfriend with me? I mean, we're not divorced yet so I still have dibs, right?
Okay I know I said I was going to quit drinking for a while but apparently pumpkin pie flavored vodka is a thing and I will not rest until I have some.
She went outside in nothing but her panties and came back inside 15 minutes later wearing a different pair of panties.
I masterbated to the rocky theme song. I'm pretty sure that just beat any sex experience I've ever had.
She brought me back a blanket from Mexico, then we had sex on it
Like don't initiate a threesome when we're all watching SPONGEBOB. That's like sacrilege.
You gave my cousin a blowjob and are facebook friends with my mom. Is there a name for this level of friendship?
Good rule of thumb: only list personal references with whom you have hallucinated
Randomize
