So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
For Halloween this year I'm gonna go as Angelina from Jersey Shore. I'm gonna yell "umm HELLO?!," cockblock someone, then leave the party early
he said i was the most charming throwing up drunk person hes ever taken care of. so of course i had sex with him.
First funeral I've ever been to where the cops had to come.
IF CHARLIE SCHEEN CAN DO IT I CAN DO IT IM A PROFESSONAL
When my alarm went off, he rolled over and asked me: Bacon or dick? Yes, I will see him again.
we were bear claw grabbing his crotch in the middle of the bar yelling prominent ridge over and over.
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
woke up to a case of keystone on my porch when I went to bed at seven that morning.. I think it's someone's peace offering for getting my roommates car towed
I feel like I spent all day wearing underpants made entirely of poison ivy and sandpaper
There's a stripper getting there at 10 though so hopefully I'm out before the stripper gets there. I don't have time to deal with a stripper.
Mom is talking about dicks with her friends in the living room. I am 5 seconds away from scaling the bathroom window out of here.
if i ever get to the point where i am moaning when i pee, please do the honorable thing and kill me.
I mean seriously, she can have his dick anytime and im over here salivating like a thirsty bitch.
I Never thought my late 30s would end up with me getting eaten out on a desk in the managers office of a lululemon, but I guess being a franchise owner has its perks!
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