Get your hand out of your ass!
how did you know my hand was in my ass? Guess where my other hand is..?
In your belly button
I'm in a subway station watching a tranny do her makeup. This is like watching a unicorn giving birth.
you didnt have any toilet paper so I just took a shower
Ok just saw a girl open a pillbox, dump it out on her notebook and count out 13 adderall tabs and put them in a baggie and leave. Oh hey college.
Dude...I'm drunk from Wednesday stilll.
Is it too much to ask that he stop calling me 'titty fuck' in public?
I did the seizure Bad Romance dance again last night, didn't I?
you were really good actually. your skill is increasing over time
I don't want to smoke with her when she's on adderall. She carved her pumpkin for four hours & didn't say a word.
i think i broke my dog last night...fuck
Having vodka and cokes for lunch at work today because absolutely ZERO fucks are being given.
I can't say "baby i'm to high to talk to you" in Starbucks.
I might as well rub my vagina against it before I throw it away.
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
I would say don't do anything I wouldn't do, but we both know I forget about my personal safely when getting laid is on the line
We were supposed to have sex but we had smoked so much neither of us wanted to move.
Randomize
