I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
i can totally tell he's high. he's having a conversation with my dog.
Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.
I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
you took him to the bathroom with you to pee and told him he had to hold your hand..but he couldn't turn on the lights because you didnt want him to hear you peeing..and still got laid. i wish i had your life.
So my retainer doesn't fit, so i'm getting drunk so i can put it back in. Alone.
You would...
i think he drugged the pie. i'll get back to you on that later.
Your cum is still running out of me. I pity the next person that tries these jeans on....
I walked in on you rubbing your nose all over his face while straddling him and yelling "I'M SO SORRY!" repeatedly. I'd say you were in pretty good shape at that point in the night.
I just found a 2 minute video on my phone of you throwing up in a fake plant.
Did I hit my head yesterday? I have a bump on the back of it. Also I just want you to know that I don't blame you for me taking my bikini top off. If I want to be shirtless no man or woman on this earth can stop me.
sexting foreigners is the best. they respond with silly things like "love that tits"
Life update - currently drunk off my ass in the yoga room of SFO at 5:30 in the morning.
I feel like David Hasselhoff when he's drunk eating that cheeseburger and crying. But with cheesecake.
i buy too many watermelons when I'm drunk
Randomize
