I just saw a guy getting escorted with handcuffs on, I'm too drunk to be at the airport right now.
We talked about all of the sex positions that would better allow him to feed me grapes. I think I'm in love.
his mom found me in the closet hiding and the only thing i could think of was to sit there and wave.
She came back in her actual cheerleader uniform. Made a bad bj tolerable.
Dipping doritos in Grey Poupon. Why does no one treat me like the lady I am?
You do realize that we got a stripper to do the YMCA for us on the main stage... Right?
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
you started looking at my couch laughing and saying to it "she thinks I'm talking to you" then proceeded to laugh and talk to the couch some more.
Just saw the german running around on campus. Thought of his small penis.
As you should.
Honestly I'm not even that excited to see my boyfriend. I'm more excited to see his penis. His penis inside of me.
Because of my cut offs, my brother is convinced I fucked a girl so hard she forgot to take her pants. Fairly accurate.
Is 1:30 too early for the bar?
Do you want my opinion or society's?
I want your company
Mom saw my dick pic over my gf's shoulder. She told her she really should've had me circumcised.
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
can jess come too?
sure! but I don't have enough booze for the both of you.
she comes with her own booze, no worries.
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