This is your Morning Wood Report: I have it.
The party tonight has no theme but I decided to go as a home wrecker.
I dont wanna date her. I just wanna be able to run a blacklight over her face and prove ownership.
So how was awkward coffee with forgets-your-name?
You guys need to stop introducing me as "the girl you shared"
toilet paper cling ons are not as adorable as the little red cub makes them look on the charmin commercials.
they told me if I wanted to live here I had to get an ass tattoo and then they all mooned me simultaneously. ass tattoos as far as the eye could see.
Nope I went the fuck home like an adult
I had wine for breakfast at 6am, that's how visiting my parents went.
I'm proud of all of us. Somehow we all survived another Jägerbomb Tuesday
*jedi mind trick* you want to go down on me
And the next thing I knew I was blowing this random hot italian bartender with an uncircumcised penis in his work closet
Oh. Why can't it be something easy, like a punch card for blowjobs?
Bleach your asshole, I'm on my way.
Who is this?!?!
I have just discovered the land of milk and honey. and by milk i mean vodka and by honey i mean tequila.
Randomize
