Todays outfit involves shorts with embroidered fish. This kids gonna die.
As a pleasant surprise..I woke to find a Burrito and Bottle of Gatorade .....Merry XMAS to ME
dont you remember the bouncer yelling at you while you were trying to piss?
no. why was the bouncer in the bathroom?
he wasn't. neither were you.
Babe, I need to be clear. I DO NOT WANT TO HAVE ANAL. Never. No anal. No "talking about it"
i was able to set 4 alarms to make sure i woke up in time for class but i couldnt take the open beer out of my pocket before i did cartwheels down the hall...
Hey, next time you have sex, flick his balls, and tell him "thats for getting spit in jennifer's eye and laughing about it."
And I don't know what it is about weed making me want every episode of the real housewives of everywhere
My chest smells like french fries. Get at me attractive men.
Everyone heard you having sex but I just told them you were having a nightmare.
Not genetic. He's drunk and texted me a dick pic. Not genetic. Thank God!
My vagina feels like it's been kissed by angels.
No, the high point was when you stood on a chair and shouted you were the god of tits and wine.
at this point, i'm only going to therapy to get more free condoms
Facebook just reminded me of the time I found two IHop cheese sticks in my hand bag. Those were the days.
Ohhhhhh, that night......I need to stop drinking, almost all of my conversations that take place Wed thru Sun after 8:30 are one blurry haze.
Randomize
