I just high-fived this girl after she swallowed.
mmm whisky
reminds me of losing my job
He kept telling me how extraordinarily clean my ears were.
did i paint my nails blue or do i need to make a trip to the ER?
I'm laying outside on my patio attempting to get sun with a puke bucket next to me... This is dedication to the tan my friend
It was like the titanic mixed with those sad puppy commercials mixed with jello shots
Hey will pizza rolls help if you accidentally get a diabetic chihuahua drunk?
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
Trying not to look at her chest is like trying to not hear a fire engine racing by.
Every minute you wait for the sex that's not gonna happen, we're missing a tone deaf, drunk, tard-asaurus rex half-sing a 90's song to a bunch of other dinotards at karaoke.
i woke up with fake boobs glued on my chest and a large black dildo on my hand. then i had to dress myself and walk home. people saw.
I just watched my mom pour beer into her vodka and drink it.
My prof handed me back my essay on Lesbians in literature, gave me an A and then we had sex in her office. Told you she was gay.
Tomorrow I'm going to tape my thumbs to my palms and my biceps to my abdomen to learn what it's like to be a t-rex for a day. Anyone else in?
Sorry for not calling you back. I got drunk and passed out on the kitchen floor. I just found my phone in the shower.
Randomize
