Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
Remeber when I drunkenly made out with him this summer while he was getting bitched at by his girlfriend on the phone? Yeah, neither do I. But I'm pretty sure that same thing happened again last night.
He turned me down because he was still doing his taxes.
hung over. covered in somebodies makeup. and ready to drink.
KNEE DEEP IN HOES. SEND HELP.
Although I would ideally cut back on smoking weed, imagine what getting high and looking for our spirit animals would be like
My one night stand from last night is currently mowing my lawn for me.
Well, I dont really know how much penis you have at your disposal so I cant be sure
Kids parked next to me are getting it on. I'm eating chicken nuggets listening to Kanye alone. Happy Valentine's Day.
Evidently I placed three booty calls at the same time...it was an ugly scene. I'm never getting that high again.
And I am bleeding like slutty girl #1 In a horror movie
I don't WANT a sex disease! Especially one assigned to me by my supervisor..
I really just gave up on masterbating because I'm too tired. I really am getting old.
I’m photoshopping my boobs to up my Tinder game. I need better dick in 2020
When we were in Vegas he tried to get an Elvis impersonator to act dead on a toilet so he could take photos. This is even worse
Randomize
