drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
I just rolled a spliff on a dora the explorer tv tray. Preschool education meet afterschool special.
im bored tell me something entertaining
You got period blood on my carpet. I lied to my mom and said it was jam.
its preseason football. its like non alcoholic beer. who gives a fuck
all I heard when I woke up this morning was "BONG HITS FOR BREAKFAST" being yelled repeatedly.
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
Remember that time we were in the handicap bathroom snorting Molly at the stripclub. That was a defining moment in our friendship
Just come back with most of your limbs...and your dick. Please and thank you
The Medal of Honor you banged could be at the inauguration today. You really dropped the ball on keeping up with that one.
Seriously insulted!! You can not share my dick pick with your gay brother. He won't quit poking me on fb
No seriously, I don't care if you just sucked God's dick. I have had a better Fat Tuesday than you
That kid singlehandedly fucked the breakup right out of me. I'm only hooking up with Millenials from here on out.
Anyone who does not consider cereal and wine as a balanced breakfast needs to leave immediately.
Hey, what's the French word for when you meet your boyfriend's friend and you have that gut feeling that you smoked pot naked in a hot tub with him at a house party years ago?
I might have to quit marching band. It's affecting my drinking schedule
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