last night i found where hot topic managers go to die after they get fired.
im pretty sure you tried to fart so bad you accidently pissed your pants at my party.
just heard 2 nerds making fun of a girl for mispronouncing stochiometry. they followed it up by discussing the mathematical equation for getting laid. my day just became 100x better.
i drank out of my shoe...were you seriously expecting me to be the voice of reason?
Get out here. Doing shots with the delivery guy. Also, the food is here
He brought me bullshit flowers and a bullshit apology. Even shrek did more than that for Fiona. And he's an ogre. Does this not say anything about him?
It's my coworker's last day party and I'm the one who ended up shitfaced on the train with half a bottle of belvedere in my bag.
And you were like "stop making pop tarts, lil bowow" as you grabbed the pop tarts from your ex and consumed them. Teach me your ways.
I think I'm gonna wear a bikini to our final tomorrow...just so he knows that no fucks will be given on his test
I'm 50% sure my cousin put weed in these deviled eggs.
i dont know the whole gay terminator look is really hot on him
I don't mean to crush your hopes and dreams but having sex IN the Stanley Cup isn't possible
Last night I crashed my housemates tinderdate, smoked his weed and then left. He felt too awkward to say no.#Empowerment
He was awesome with her today. I can't say that it didn't make my Fallopian tubes sing "The Hills Are Alive."
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
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