def just vomited mimosa in the gym trashcan. i weigh less already so i say its been a solid workout.
The last thing I remember is you asking me how to grow french fries.
You know its bad when convincing your mother you were masturbating is the better alternative
When she gives birth, I'm so playing 'Eye of the Tiger'
Ok...drunk girls at the bar are charging $1 for motorboating. It's fucking WEDNESDAY. I never want to leave.
maybe i'll make good life choices and keep my legs closed. periodically txt me friday and saturday night saying "baby carrot round 2" that should stop me.
Im doing shots of vodka in the bathroom covered in pillows.
Tornado warnings are fun!
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
I am so proud of him. After eating the rest of our shrooms, he finally registered to vote
Remind me to call McDonald's to give a good review of Ruth. She truly demonstrated grace under pressure.
She's officially a Tinder poltergeist.
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
While all of the skanky girls from the crowd got on stage we screamed fair game and scoped out all their boyfriends, she made out with 2, this is what we call taking advantage of the situation
As a member of the kink community, I feel grossly misrepresented
She fucked a bartender in a closed Applebee’s and has the nerve to call me easy
Randomize
