if you are receiving this text, you are one of the people i hate
The world needs more lipstick lesbians, if anything.
reasons why jon gosselin is probably ur biological father: 1. ur half asian 2. hes everyones biological father 3. u wear ed hardy
sounds legit
I don't know what's more sad having a rewards account at a liquor store or already racking up 273 dollar points since january
...just for future reference, one Four Loko can fits PERFECTLY in a venti iced coffee cup from Starbucks
All I I know is that there's 2 new contacts in my phone. Drunk Backdoor and Gayass Handshake. Thanks, Jameson.
I'm microwaving a frozen bottle of Two Buck Chuck while watching The Proposal with my housemate. I'm not sure what success is like, but I'm fairly confident this isn't it.
Yo plow her in the living room were all outside tommy wants to see
We fucked like animals and then decided we actually liked each other so then we made love. It's a match made in heaven.
Eating a chocolate bar and crying over a cobweb. Life is beautiful and I love shrooms.
I'm trying. I feel like we're trying to have sex with fruitcake. dry and boring.
He fucked me so hard my nail polish actually chipped. I'm keeping him.
If you had a dick, I would hope it falls off and comes back to haunt you while fucking your ears at night. But you don't. But if you did, that's how mad I am at you
Wait, but now I'm curious. In what position were y'all when the cops came? Were you guys butt ass naked in the car? 😂😂
You were cussing me out in sign language, and slurring your signs.
That's some kind of record drunk there...
Randomize
