I can't watch pbs sober anymore
there is nothing more satisfying than playing sudoku while pooping
sometimes i wish i could just stick a turkey baster up there and suck out the blood
I didn't notice until this morning that he had a six inch RAT TAIL...
did all my christmas shopping this morning at 4am drunk. never went to sleep. i was walking home drunk last night when i passed a target and saw 3 kids having a dance off. had to join. somehow they convinced me to go shoopping with them. i bought 4 disco balls and a lava lamp.
Well i'm not entirely sure considering he gave my vagina an early valentine's day card that said "you're purrfect."
I smoked a bowl while he ate me out, you need to change your major to match making asap. You are a guru of love.
Honestly bro, I can't look at girls you've banged. Its like looking herpes in the face.
Would you go as one half of Harry and Lloyd in Tuxes to Aaron's wedding?
What's the best day of the week to potentially find out you're pregnant with your ex's baby?
I put purple lights under my bed and asked him if he wanted to fuck in a spaceship.
It's brunch. If you find dick at brunch. You an A+ hoe.
There's literally not a single picture of him with a shirt on. I can't talk to him without dislocating my eye balls.
Disclaimer- Don’t worry about my wounded nip. I put a bandaid on it.
Hey? Just a hypothetical. You ever accidentally kill somebody's cat on purpose? Like you didn't mean to but it had it coming? If you're wondering it tripped me while I was walking down the stairs and I landed on it as I fell.
Randomize
