I'm drinking on the job... HEAVILY
I just saw a neon sign in a bar window that says, "open to Public" but the L is burnt out.
hanging on that rope, lady gaga looks exactly like a used tampon
all i know is that if they can hide that much blood in her outfit, they definitely could have hid a penis
why did your cousin post "out tonight" on facebook? doesn't he know it's only 1 in the afternoon?
shhh don't tell him. it's cloudy out and none of his clocks work
Just got blown whilst getting my high score on bejeweled blitz. There's still a month and a half left of summer and my bucket list is empty...
Your lack of a response has proven you've clearly forgotten how crazy I am.
Ok roommate is officially weird. Just watched her microwave the same broccoli 3 times in a row and cry b/c she fucked it up. Wtf lol
there is vodka in my soul right now. The vapor is coming out my nose.
You would think the bank would reward me for getting my account down to 3 cents without overdrafting it.
Ack! That is the first dick pic I've ever received. A) congrats B) that is way grosser than I ever thought t would be.
I'm going back to his house to watch wreck it Ralp.
Hey, Monsters Inc. got me laid. Disney man, who knew it leads to sex.
My ex-fiancee UPS-ed me a sixer of tall boys, and a fifth of bourbon for christmas, from halfway across the country. What does this mean?
You don't understand. My ass is the color of eggplant.
Would it be irresponsible to use my tax refund for a boob job?
Yes. Highly encouraged though.
You handed me your heels and said, "barefoot running is all the rage." Then you proceeded to run home.
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