Laziness has reached now heights if you too unmotivated to buy pot
Mom is telling us about the time she drank her own breast milk. Help.
Oh, and no balcony sex...trust me.
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
yeah i didn't know anyone, but i just walked in with a lit sparkler and wearing a budweiser shirt and someone handed me a beer.
He broke into my apartment to check his Facebook again, the beer is all gone, and there's a new high score on pac man.
Just realized I lost my social security card...maybe someone else will do something with my life
I want to celebrate with you...
There's nothing I'd like more than a celebratory "The guy I'm doing just found out he's not a baby daddy" dinner.
I have good news and bad news. Bad news, she's not in porn. Good news, I found porn.
Just remembered I railed lines while holding a puppy
I need to start using my boobs for good instead of weed. Although really they're kind of the same thing
I am a figure skater. You should know better than to let me get drunk near any patches of ice during Olympics season.
I can't believe i lost my ID... bringing my birth certificate to the club was a weird experience
He updated Facebook... "Got a new phone today." WHAT ABOUT THE FUCKING KID YOU HAD?!
If she didn't have scissors in her hand I would have motor boated the fuck out of her when she was done cutting my hair.
Randomize
