I wasn't pimping you out... I was helping you network!
i got us presents. or arrested. we shall see!
Using pokemon references during sexual acts is always a good idea.
Whenever I said your name you screamed polo and did another shot.
two words...techno handjob
Found my smoke alarm in a ziploc in my toilet...again
We somehow managed to get the sumo-wrestler costume into the washing machine, but I don't think the cupcake icing completely came off... And it still smells like tequila.
Was it high me or sober me who put those Jolly Rancher sticks in the freezer? I'd be soooo impressed if it was high me.
Pro: she asked me to be a bridesmaid. Con: i only have about nine months to get over a phobia of midget strippers.
Just saw a woman in bootie shorts and a winter coat at the library. God. Bless. Prostitutes.
its the first football sunday and my boyfriend isn't excited. this isn't gonna last unless he makes me snacks and brings me beer during the game.
I'm about to be a GTA V widow, he could at least throw me a bone. Literally.
Pretty sure the guy at the Halloween party dressed as an ice cream man is working his way through the building without a care for gender or age. He high-fives me on his way out each morning.
So then I got so stoned I sat and took my pulse for 10 minutes.
Just found out my dad smokes weed too. Mom, grandma, all aunts and uncles, and now my dad too. It's like I'm genetically engineered to be a stoner.
Randomize
