Hey I found your number in my phone i dont remember how we met this is richard btw
strange i dont have your number must have been a drunk thing
could be more
absolutely not
Dude she has a fucking rock collection. Never will I ever talk to her again.
I remember her trying to talk to me a few times after we broke up and I'd always change the subject to bagels.
I told her the maid must have stolen all my condoms. She bought it
I'm buying drugs in the library...And it's not even finals time. What has my life become?
also, the amount of semen in my carpet right now is unforgivable...
Mostly because I hate my job and a have a photogenic penis.
I feel like that's something that he should've asked me over dinner..... instead of with his hand down my pants? maybe not
I'd tell u there's strippers to make you get here faster, but that would be a blatant lie... There's strippers here.
Speaking of boners I learned how to say " jizz everywhere" in sign language
The whole time we were hanging out my vagina was yelling at me like its a real live penis that wants to have sex with us what are you doing
I just had a drunk lesbian experience.... How do I break it to my boyfriend??
He was having this drunk emotional breakdown and I was just trying to cheer him up but instead fell and dumped the whole pickle jar on me
It was cool though because he was fine afterwards and somehow I convinced them I did it on purpose...
I brought an already opened bag of trail mix from home to snack on today. Some motherfucker ate all the m&ms out of it. I hate my roommates
Something in me snapped and now I’m just googling famous vegans.
Randomize
