next time dont tell jokes :) miss bonerkill
I checked into jail on foursquare
how do i say "thank you for the blowjob, but never talk to me again" without crushing her?
That was the gentlest I've ever been bitten in the face by a dog
ok, she started talking about how she swears her step dad killed her mom. starting to back out of this one
Sorry I didn't pick up for your booty call. I usually am asleep at 4:00 on Thursdays. Like a normal person.
I forgot not everyone drinks wine out of the bottle. My grandma just asked if i needed a glass with a disappointing look.
That sad moment when you flush your Molly down the toilet at the airport & watch your vacation slowly end..
Try explaining "the nature of your relationship" to a cop when your fuck buddy vandalized your car. Priceless.
I'm drunk in a place called Lick-A-Chick. PS. It's not a lesbian hot spot, they sell chicken.
But in today's society it's frowned upon not to wear pants in public.
My ladyscape is the envy of many and the shangrila of few. I will display it proudly.
Well, you were never considered a shining example of sobriety anyway
I think I'm gonna cut my hair just so I stop waking up with semen in it
I'm in my onesie attempting to spoon-feed myself cold soup. I'm playing freeze tag with my hangover. My hangover's winning.
yeah, but I wanna be the girl that makes him realize he's 100% gay
Randomize
