Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
you went to subway and got pissed when they refused to deep fry your sub
Chasing 100 proof soco w water from the tap at 4 pm, it's gonna one of those kinda Thursdays...
Just because its your birthday does not mean u can play quarters by dropping quarters into cups to make me drink.
He's like a perfect storm of amazing hair and horrible judgment.
I feel like I just lived out a children's book called "The Day I Went to Law School Stoned"
He held the beaver pelt from the fireplace over my crotch and asked his friend "she look familiar now?", he then remembered my name.
Dude you of all people would miss her giving him a handjob in front of the whole party
That guy drinking savagely was actually at his buddy's gay bachelor party in the male stripper section. He came over to the chicks side so we drank with him.
He had some sort of penis-related post traumatic stress disorder, but body shots seemed to wake him up
We had sex on a lawn chair while fireworks were going off last night. It was unavoidable that I got mosquito bites all over my ass
You know you're hung over when the glare from the cream cheese on your bagel is just too bright...
Driving home this morning in my minion costume makes me rethink the 0 tint on my windows.
Never in a million years thought I would have to put jello shot recipe/equation into an excel spreadsheet
I found a briefcase foll of fireworks in my old bedroom...that's an appropriate thing to bring to a wedding, right?
Look man if you're looking for a voice of reason, you're talking to the wrong woman.
You were up on table in a neon bra chanting "YOUR MOM" while drizzling vodka on your chest...
no wonder i woke up with my boobs stuck to my bra
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