I don't call you at 3 in the morning to start a fucking relationship.
you finished all 5 burgers, started crying tears of joy, and then claimed the tears were actually just 'meat sweats' from your eyes
We raised our shot glasses and you screamed out "TO MY DAD FINALLY GOING TO REHAB!"
I had to write an apology letter to security guards in the hotel so I didnt get kicked out
You're in a tuxedo, you can pee wherever you want.
I just let my hand run under cold water for five minutes. I couldn't stop staring at it and the only things I could think about were how amazing it felt, how cool water was, and what a wonderful world it is that we live in. Reasons why I don't smoke...
And then, I saw the prophecy come to fruition. It was the Dick of Destiny.
Also, they sell weed-chocolate covered strawberries. For the romantic stoner.
That was one of the best texts I got today
can I share that I'd like to fuck him in my new car as a sort of car warming present to myself?
I messaged him asking for his address. He replied with the address then said, "If you're gonna stalk me, I'm the third window on the side and usually get naked around 8am and anytime randomly after 6pm (listen for music).. If you're sending anthrax, I'm 6'2" 225lbs so send a good amount."
Thought about it. I'm gonna go to work, but I'm gonna tell them I wrestled a bear saying I fell just isn't working.
That sad moment when the drawer I used to keep condoms in now has poptarts in it..
So if my boyfriend and I hooked up with the same girl it’s not like I cheated. It’s communal.
I woke up alone, naked in her bed staring at a lifesize poster of edward cullen,actually I'm lying I did have socks on
Reverse road head. Sa-witch!!!
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