so later when i'm crying over him remind me that he once called his penis "senor weeper"
when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
burritoes are like sleeping bags for ground beef
MIND BOGGLER: batman and jesus are the same person. Think about it.
she moaned out jack bauer's name while i was banging her...
I made him go down on me for 40 mins then pretended to pass out. I swear, I'm like a boy.
No she stopped screaming. Now she's eating popcorn. Off a plate. With a spoon.
im sorry but you know it was a good night when you got tasered on the ass and didnt even feel it
My phone saved "first signs of pregnancy" as a most visited search.
just woke up in a camero on the way to nebraska, i would appreciate it if you answered your phone.
He started screaming when he saw my dog. He thought it was a polar bear
i think the realest test of our friendship is how hot your sister looks right now
You are the epitome of what awesome would taste like.
Well. I had to explain to my niece that the word cunt is not an abbreviation for country. I'm the best aunt in the world.
I don't want to spend an inordinate amount of time with you, I want to have sex with you. Duhhhhhh.
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