Just saw a picture of your new tub, cant wait to pee in it
I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
All I'm saying is that whoever owned the wheelchair clearly didn't need it or they wouldn't have been able to leave it there
It was a new level of awkwardness and terror. The high schoolers you fuck in the summer should never introduce themselves to your mom and godmother
Fuckbuddy couldn't meet, so she's trying to find a substitute to come fuck me. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
I never thought I'd say this but my vagina is taking a serious break for awhile
Don't let her tell you any different. She licked the balls of my hamster for that $100. It was a group bet. She won.
You have all of her herpes and none of my sympathy
Apparently I'm the last girl he had sex with. That was over a month ago. If he can go that long without sex then he's clearly not the guy for me
Apparently it's not a "bonding moment" when you realize you use the same porn site as your boyfriend
My dad lost his bandaid somewhere in the turkey. It was a mixture of thanksgiving and an Easter egg hunt
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
When's the last time you had sex near some ducks?
I need mimosas to revive my soul
So she was amazing, that's what. Idk if it was the blow or the blowjob, but both my heads are still tingling.
Randomize
