she walked out and i tried to get her to come back but i couldn't remember her name so i just whistled... future reference: that doesn't work
I got offered a handle of vodka and tomato soup to bring his dog home. He knows me all too well.
That was an excessively violent trivia night
I fell asleep while we were Skyping and woke up to his balls bouncing in front of the camera while he sang "Wakey Wakey!" over and over again. Merryfuckingchristmas.
he told me to hold it and try to write my name in the snow and it seemed like a bonding moment because neither one of us had ever done that before. i didn't anticipate it vibrating and weirding me out therefore making me let go and get my hand peed on.
The face that yo gabba gabba comes up when I'm stoned and searching for yoga workouts is scary or dangerous
She frightens me and turns me on at the same time. She's a keeper
Restraining order pending?
I vaguely remember a pregnant lady reaching for my penis. When was I in an elevator?
Did you hear about Miss Teen Delaware? From the snippet they played on the radio, I knew exactly what porn company it was from. Maybe I should cut back
It felt like a sumo wrestler slapped me. With a wet hand. 8 times in a row.
Whose panties are you wearing on your head and why are you sending me pics of it?
I hate that I still want him to look at me as the vagina that got away.
I just lived through a real life episode of jersey shore.
cinco de mayo stole my toenail
cinco de mayo stole my virginity.
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